I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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