After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
