I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
