I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
