he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
