I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
