She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
