24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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