whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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