Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
