my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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