I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
third nipple confirmed
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Dicks are not precious.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
