best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My ass is underappreciated
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
