she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Drunk is not a location!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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