My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
