i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I pour the whiskey from now on
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
