while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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