Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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