I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
