3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
