Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
