what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
