halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
