I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
