Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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