Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
