did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
