dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
