He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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