i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
