A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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