Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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