you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
