I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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