i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
