last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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