just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have tasted many bathrooms
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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