I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize