I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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