Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
