there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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