She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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