As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
There's even glitter on my cock...
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