I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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