hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
try to milk me bitch
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