I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Randomize
