My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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