Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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