I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
