no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
