it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize