Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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