To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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