I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
