Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
