2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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