my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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