she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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