i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
