She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
