new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I feel great
I just peed on a car
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
