So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
